Boundaries Aren’t What You Think. And That’s Why They’re Not Working For You…

Written By Taylor Rapley

Boundaries have become the golden child of self development. Everyone’s talking about them. And yet, most people aren’t actually using them properly.

So let’s clean this up!

What boundaries actually are…

At their core, boundaries are: The limits of what you will and won’t participate in, and what you will do in response.

Not what someone else should do.
Not a rule for other people.

A boundary is your behaviour, not theirs.

Examples:

  • “If I’m spoken to like that, I’ll end the conversation.”

  • “If I don’t have enough rest, I won’t commit to that.”

  • “If this continues, I’ll step back from the relationship.”

Notice the pattern? It’s about what you will do, not them.

What boundaries are not…

  • Boundaries are not rules for other people

“If you cared about me, you wouldn’t do that.”

That’s not a boundary. That’s a demand dressed up nicely.

  • Boundaries are not a way to avoid discomfort

“I’m setting a boundary that I don’t do hard conversations.”

Nope. That’s avoidance.

  • Boundaries are not silent expectations

Getting angry because someone “should have known”?

That’s not a crossed boundary, that’s an unspoken one.

  • Boundaries are not control strategies

“If you don’t change, I’ll be upset.”

That’s emotional leverage, not a boundary.

The controversial bit: when “boundaries” get weaponised

This is the part people don’t love hearing…

Sometimes “boundaries” are used to:

  • Avoid accountability

  • Justify selfish behaviour

  • Shut down feedback

  • Exit situations without discomfort

Examples:

  • “I’m protecting my energy” → actually avoiding responsibility

  • “That violates my boundaries” → when someone gives reasonable feedback

  • “I don’t tolerate negativity” → meaning “I don’t tolerate honesty that challenges me”

Here’s the reality…

A boundary that only works if other people behave differently… isn’t a real boundary. It’s control.

And control feels good in the short term, but it quietly erodes relationships long term.

So how do you know when a boundary has been crossed?

1. There’s a pattern (not a one-off)

Everyone gets it wrong sometimes. A single moment ≠ a boundary violation.

2. You’ve clearly communicated it

If you haven’t said it, it hasn’t been crossed, it’s been missed.

3. It directly impacts your well-being or values

Not just “I didn’t like that”, but:

  • It drains you

  • It disrespects something important

  • It creates ongoing stress or harm

4. The behaviour continues after awareness

This is the big one.

Once someone knows your boundary… and keeps crossing it? Now we’re talking boundary crossing.

So what to do about it?

Step 1: Get clear (with yourself first)

Before reacting, ask:

  • What actually matters here?

  • What am I willing to tolerate?

  • What am I not willing to keep participating in?

Clarity beats emotional reaction every time.

Step 2: Communicate directly (without fluff)

No passive hints. No hoping they “get it.”

Try:

  • “When X happens, I feel …. If it continues, I’ll need to step back from Y.”

Simple. Clear. Not aggressive.

Step 3: Follow through (this is where most people collapse)

A boundary without follow-through is just a suggestion. And people learn your boundaries based on what you do, not what you say.

If nothing changes… and you do nothing? You’ve just trained them to ignore it.

Step 4: Expect discomfort (this is normal, not a sign you’re doing it wrong)

Here’s the part no one tells you: Setting real boundaries often comes with:

  • Guilt

  • Anxiety

  • Second-guessing

  • Fear of upsetting people

That doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It means it’s unfamiliar.

The bottom line…

Boundaries aren’t about:

  • Controlling people

  • Avoiding discomfort

  • Making everything feel easy

They’re about:

  • Taking responsibility for your own behaviour

  • Acting in line with what matters

  • Being willing to tolerate discomfort to do that

And here’s the kicker:

Good boundaries don’t just protect your well-being, they also make your relationships more honest.

Because people actually know where they stand.

If you want a quick gut check:

  • If your “boundary” relies on someone else changing… it’s not a boundary.

  • If it relies on you changing what you do… now you’re on the right track.

Something you can practice…

Pick one situation in your life right now that feels a bit off:

  • Someone overstepping

  • Something you keep saying yes to (but don’t want to)

  • A dynamic that leaves you drained

Now do this:

1. Name it clearly

  • What’s happening?

  • What’s not working for you?

2. Turn it into a real boundary

(Not what they should do, what you will do)

“If X continues, I will Y.”

Examples:

  • “If work messages come through after 7pm, I won’t respond until the morning.”

  • “If the conversation turns disrespectful, I’ll leave.”

3. Reality check it

Ask yourself:

  • Am I actually willing to follow through on this?

  • If not… adjust it until you are

4. Practice holding it (even when it feels uncomfortable)

Because it will feel uncomfortable! That awkward, guilty, slightly yuck feeling?
That’s not a sign you’re doing it wrong, that’s you doing something new.

Question for you…

What’s one boundary you’ve been talking about… but not actually backing with action yet?

 
 
Taylor Rapley
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Re-defining Progression