Our constant pursuit of happiness combined with our collective tendency to problematise discomfort can speak for itself when it comes to our struggles with stress, anxiety, self doubt, fear and lack of purpose.
But what many of us fail to recognise is that it’s not the presence of difficult thoughts and emotions that is the problem, but rather our tendency to try and control unwelcome thoughts and emotions - that is the problem.
Think of one person you know who doesn’t experience uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. What about someone you look up to? How do they “control” or “eliminate” their stress, fear, anxiety and self doubt, and consistently show up in life?
Whether these admirable people are successful athletes, incredible business women, enlightened ‘gurus’, inspiring leaders’ or loving mums, dads, lovers and friends… they still live the full human experience of uncomfortable feelings and negative thoughts.
So it’s not that these people don’t have noisey thoughts and painful feelings, or that they’re able to consistently eliminate their discomfort. Instead, they perform well and can show up in life regardless of these difficult internal experiences.
How?
Being able to execute, be there, push past your fear, and uncertainty, ask the question, make the move, and live your potential is just one self help book away! Na, just kidding. It’s progressive and takes invested energy and commitment.
But those who are willing to experiencereasonable discomfort in pursuit of their values end up being the ones who are able to execute and perform (as a leader, teammate, athlete, lover, mother, brother, and friend) more consistently.
How so?
When it comes to being able to find comfort in discomfort, we need to look at our relationship with our emotions.
Reasonable discomfort is associated with clean emotions.
Clean emotions are primary / initial, inevitable, sometimes quite uncomfortable, yet reasonable.
For example, grief in response to loss. Feeling angry in response to being done wrong by. Joy in response to success. Disappointment in response to failure. Fear in response to the unknown. Love in response to kindness. Lack of motivation in response to repetitiveness. Helplessness in response to crises. Stress in response to huge workload, lack of resources, zero flexibility and shit pay.
These clean emotions may feel uncomfortable, but it is quite natural to feel those feelings in response to such situations. So trying to avoid or control such feelings is unattainable, and bloody exhausting.
Then we have dirty emotions.
Dirty emotions are secondary; they often lead to suffering and they are not inevitable. For example, frustration in response to being pushed too hard is a clean emotion, perhaps inevitable. We may tell ourselves that we “should” be able to cope better, that we “shouldn’t” feel frustrated. This can result in shame, insecurity, and anxiety.This domino effect of dirty emotions could go on for hours, days, weeks or maybe longer.
However, when we accept our initial, clean emotions as reasonable and inevitable, we neither run away with, or run away from our emotions. We simply let the emotion exist as separate from us and our actions. Acceptance.
On the contrary, when we avoid, analyse, or try to overly control a clean emotion, it will likely manifest into an array of dirty emotions and associated ‘dirty’ behaviours and generally, a really shit time.
In this sense, we BECOME our emotions, whereby our emotions dictate our actions and overall experience.
Being able to better ‘regulate’ emotions isn’t about feeling less or having control over our feelings, but rather, a willingness to accept the inevitable nature of initial clean emotions, and being okay with the discomfort that coincides, without the need to control, ‘fix’, attach and analyse.
Can you recognise moments where the way your relationship with initial clean emotions has led to dirty emotions and unnecessary suffering?
Can you recognise moments where you have been able to sit with clean emotions and discomfort, and consequently had a more ‘positive’ experience?
It’s our responsibility as perfectly imperfect humans, to be accountable in realising that our emotions aren’t the problem, but rather how we relate to our emotions.
To embody this type of acceptance, and to find genuine comfort in discomfort while not letting our emotions run the show, we need to practice skills aimed to change the way we relate to our discomfort, rather than trying to change the discomfort itself.
You already have clean emotions. Love them and they won’t get so dam dirty.
This can be a really challenging exercise to familiarise yourself with, especially if your navigating some really big and scary emotions.
You don’t have to figure it all out on your own. If you feel you could use some support, reach out… I would love to hear from you!
