This time last year I was chasing sunshine, riding bikes as fast as I could, eating gelato, surfing waves, and navigating cobblestone paths as I grieved the loss of my mum.
On one hand, this was very healing. Doing the things that bring me joy, connecting with people I love - moments of immense gratitude, moments where I forgot what it felt like to feel genuinely empty for the first time in my life.
Except everywhere I went, there grief was still here.
Swallowing my pizza with a lump in my throat, moody, reactive, needy… uncomfortable. Ungrateful as I was unconsciously looking outward for something, someone to “fix me”.
The pain still existed, the same as it did when I was at home.
My point is, you can’t pack up and leave your shit behind but it will follow you, and it’ll appear as you catch a peeling left hand wave with your best mate, summit the top of a mountain, and watch the sun go to sleep yet again.
Because where ever you go, there you are.
Emotional pain will respond to control, to distractions, and avoidance… it’ll respond by intensifying its very presence. It’ll grow and manifest into a state of suffering, a way of Being, and behaving where your thoughts and feelings start to feel more and more out of your control.
When we learn to safely accept and make room for discomfort, not just at an intellectual “okay I accept you” level, but a full body, “I feel you” level, we can start to seperate ourselves from our emotional pain and start to thrive amongst the chaos, to adapt to change, rather than struggle against it.
Here, I can miss my mum deeply. I can be angry, confused, frustrated and sad all at once while still functioning, without it leading to panic, overwhelm, coming between my relationships, and wrecking my insides.
Where ever you go, there you are. So you best willingly lean in now, before it pulls you in later.
