Fostering choice: To neither run away from, nor run away with our discomfort.
If you stopped what you were doing right now to notice & observe your thoughts and your feelings and the effect this has on your body and your existence right in this moment, what would you feel?
Acceptance is more than a knowing, it’s a way of Being, something to be experienced.
To neither run away with, nor run away from our discomfort, we need to allow ourselves to the space to BE with the very thing that we’re afraid to feel or think.
In other words, you must give your thoughts and feelings some place to be, so they have some place to go… and only then can you really truly let go.
… sounds like some BS you read from another self help book but this concept of experiential acceptance is evidence based, founded on the theory of ironic thought processes as well as other key ACT theories known as Relational Frame Theory (RFT).
One of my favourite tools for helping people move from a state of knowing to a state of being, to LET GO and get past the point of WANTING to change but actually EMBODYING change is to teach experiential acceptance. Where we take what you know, and integrate it into day-to-day.
Obviously there’s more to it than 10 steps on a blog post (no inflated promises here*), but here’ s a start…
Stop, be still. Identify your thoughts and your feelings.
Before you start to deconstruct and analyse, give them a name i.e., “I think…”, “I feel…”.
Close your eyes and exist with your thoughts and feelings, without the need to eliminate or control. Notice the effect this has on your body.
Create some space between the thought and / or feeling i.e., “I notice that my mind is telling me…” or “I notice that I am experiencing a feeling of…” and repeat. Again, without the need to eliminate or control.
Recognise the thought as a thought, the feeling as a feeling, and you as the observer.
Accept this will be uncomfortable. But being uncomfortable is a prerequisite to change - to being able move past and let go of destructive or otherwise limiting thoughts & feelings.
Come back to your senses. Maybe now is a good time to do your meditation practice if you have one.
Open your eyes, notice the uncomfortable thought or feeling may still be present, but notice that you have a choice.
You are now invited to choose to behave not in response to your emotions i.e., autopilot-avoidance or savage attach-and-project mode, but in response to your values, aligning what you truly want, what you know will serve you - even if it’s hard at the time.
There is a difference between knowing, wanting and doing. Do you the internal work and gift yourself the freedom to choose in the moment, rather than in hindsight.